it's been awhile.

Hello, world.

It's been awhile since I wrote here last, because life's been hectic. School's been getting me down, friends are having problems in their lives and I've been counting the sleep I get per week in the single digits. Life's hard here at the Academy, what else can I say?

I'm a newly crowned sixteen-year-old, officially able to get my jockey's license, driver's license and God knows what else. In a couple of years I'll be able to smoke, purchase pornography and do a bunch of other useless things; three years after that I will be able to legally drink.

Lost my diary today. Kinda pisses me off-- in anyone reads it, I will make sure they regret it fully. That dark little notebook contains the essence of my soul... the idea that it's out there, able for anyone to open and read, sickens me.

murmurings

Today I listened to Full House's 운명 many, many times. I'm a Twinkie of a Korean-American, and quite honestly, this is the first K-pop song I could stand to listen to, let alone embrace and adore. Sadly, I know very little of the tongue so many of my ancestors spoke, so while I feel a part of me dance with joy at the sound of Korean, I can neither sing nor understand the lyrics. That's fine with me, because I love this song so dearly.


There is a little sign I posted at the head of my bed that reads:
Ich werde dich immer lieben...
Ich werde dich nie vergessen.
Ich bin froh dass ich dich kennen.


I wrote it for the boy I've fallen insanely in love with. He doesn't understand a word of German (he's Chinese, and a fobby one at that). We became friends February 7--a week before Valentine's Day!--which I never thought would happen. He is sweet, understanding and so good to everyone he knows. It's no wonder nobody can stand to hate him. I loved him from the day I met him and I love him now. I don't believe he will ever know.


What is the significance of December 12, you might ask?
It's the day I lost a part of my identity. Make what you will of that.
While I'm very bubbly and an honestly truly happy person, I don't believe you should try to force bad memories into obscurity. Don't obsess over them, but don't make a point of forgetting them, either. Sometimes bad memories help shape us into who we are.

Fall

I used to think love at first sight
Wasn't real wouldn't happen to me
Then the first time I saw your face
My heart melted, I began to believe
You, with the most beautiful of eyes
You, you made me begin to realize
You, you are amazing


Is it normal to be addicted to your voice
To feel like talking to you is reason to rejoice
Is it normal to feel like you're the greatest of all
Or is this just what it is like to fall


When I see you I don't know what to say
Please don't take my silence the wrong way
You just blow my mind in everything you do
I'm not shutting you out - my mind's absorbing you
You, with the most musical of laughs
You, you make me see my own path
You, you are amazing


Is it normal to ache to be with you
Whenever you look at me to instantly feel renewed
Is it normal to feel like you're the greatest of all
Or is this just what it is like to fall


I don't know if you can remember my face
All I know is I love the sound of your name
I don't know what it's like to kiss you in the rain
All I know is I hope to God you'll never change


Is it normal to feel my heart race when I see you
To feel like all I want is to be with you
Is it normal to feel like you're the greatest of all
Or is this just what it is like to fall


Is it normal to yearn to be by your side
So that together we could forever fly
Is it normal to feel like you're the greatest of all
Or is this just what it is like to fall
To fall in love with you?


Actually written January 23, 2011 around 12:20 pm